Madam Miaow's Slick Muthafukkaz Guide To Effective Shaving

I've noticed that some of the lads are getting a bit sloppy when it comes to matters of personal grooming. Here's some expert advice handed down to me by my dear sainted Mother which has stood me in good stead all these years.

PREPARATION TIME: 2 minutes
SHAVING TIME: under 3 minutes — with a little practice

1) Assemble the following essential equipment:
a) Quality razor with fresh blade (not necessarily a brand-new blade, but one which is still adequately sharp. Blunt old blades are both ineffective at their designated task and painful/irritating to the skin, so replace blade whenever you begin to experience razor drag, frequent cuts or any other form of unsatisfactory performance. NOTE: a ‘lubricating strip’ is designed to provide a small extra degree of glide, not to serve as a fully adequate substitute for …)
b) Quality foam/cream/gel from reputable manufacturer (it may be necessary to experiment with a variety of products to find the one which suits best)
c) Quality alcohol-based aftershave with nice pong (ditto)
d) Quality moisturiser (ditto)
Desirable but not crucial:
e) Magnifying shaving mirror

2) Even if you’ve just emerged from the shower, vigorously wash face with generous quantities of soap, and water as hot as is tolerable, which will both open the pores and soften the stubble. Fill basin with hot water and place razor therein, allowing approx 30 seconds for razor blade(s) to heat up to water temperature whilst you ...

3) Apply generous quantity of foam/cream/gel to beard area, working it in thoroughly to your hot wet face and now- (hopefully) softened stubble.

4) Now shave, carefully drawing razor across beard first with and then against the growth grain, which may not be consistent over entire face. (This is where the magnifying mirror will be useful to help locate patches of beard area which you may have missed.) Rinse blade frequently in hot water to remove stubble, foam etc.

5) Once entire beard area has been shaved, rinse face thoroughly with cold water for first stage of pore-closing. Rinse razor thoroughly also, so it’s as clean as possible for next shave. Splash on astringent pong to complete pore-closing process and generate exciting and aphrodisiac aromae.

6) Finish off with moisturiser to counteract the skin-drying effect of the shaving process.

7) Prepare to accept extravagant compliments, comparisons to babies’ bottoms, etc. Bask in the realisation that, the closer and more meticulous the shave, the more time can be allowed to elapse before you need to do it all over again.

Thanks to Charles Shaar Murray for letting me watch.