Why cats need collars and bells: poem by Barbara Finch

You've had cat gifs galore. Here's a cat poem from my animal-loving friend Barbara Finch — a tale of the bird-murdering Nefertiti.


Nefertiti Puss
Oh God made creatures great and small
And Nefertiti kills them all.
Bad Nefertiti Puss.

That bird you see upon the wing,
It dare not part its beak to sing
For fear that down on it will bring
Fierce Nefertiti Puss.

And when she pounces, claws aglitter,
Upon a lizard or some critter,
It will not even know what bit her
Was Nefertiti Puss.

Her fur and whiskers she does preen
And then she purrs just like the queen
She is, or thinks she should’ve been.
Oh Nefertiti Puss!

And when the cat flap bursts asunder
And in stalks Nef, her face like thunder,
And growls and threatens at your feet,
A bowl of salmon works a treat
On Nefertiti Puss.

When a canine comes to visit,
Nef, on a table so exquisite,
With only slightly ruffled fur
Stares down with ease the quaking cur.
Brave Nefertiti Puss!

When, in the evening, mollified
She deigns to sit down by your side
And, purring as she licks your arm,
You know she really means no harm.
Sweet Nefertiti Puss!

Barbara Finch
September 2013

Baby great tit rescued from cat and fed by its mother

Oh, the heartbreak of trying to save a tiny life.

We even named him ... or her. That's how hopeful we were that we could save Cartman the baby great tit. Rescued from the neighbour's cat, Cartman looks robust enough but something's wrong and (s)he can't fly. To save it from cats and foxes, we keep it indoors overnight in a tub with water, small worms and seed but (s)he's too young to feed itself.

Put back out in the garden the next day, Cartman's mother finds and feeds it. This goes on until dusk when we take it back inside.

Sadly, (s)he doesn't survive this second night.

Existential Cat: life is just this

An Unusual Case of Smothering Secondary to Ingesting Raw Pet Cat

Oh my good frickin' god. That must have been a bad puddy.

This report from the American Journal of Forensic Medicine and Pathology (via Private Eye) reads like a horror story par excellence. It's the cool scientific tone that packs the punch as we see the whole episode and backstory played out in our mind's eye. Short story writers take note.

Motivation? Forensics should have looked for scratch-marks on the furniture or poo in the pot plants.

"Margaret Redpath MD — 'An Unusual Case of Smothering Secondary to Ingesting Raw Pet Cat'.
Abstract: Smothering is defined as an obstruction of the air passages above the level of the epiglottis, including the nose, mouth, and pharynx. This is in contrast to choking, which is considered to be due to an obstruction of the air passages below the epiglottis. The manner of death in smothering can be homicidal, suicidal, or an accident. Accidental smothering is considered rare among middle-aged adults, yet many cases still occur. Presented here is the case of a 39-year old woman who was found dead on her living room floor by her neighbours. Her hands were covered in scratches and her pet cat was found disembowelled in the kitchen with its tail hacked off. On autopsy her stomach was found to be full of cat intestines, adipose tissue, and strips of fur-covered skin. An intact left kidney and adipose tissue were found lodged in her throat just above her epiglottis. After a complete investigation, the cause of death was determined to be asphyxia by smothering due to animal tissue." 06/2011

Actually, this is similar to a scene in the late JG Ballard's "Home" which was dramatised for television with Anthony Sher in the main role. Wonderful it was, too.

Need ... more ... cat ... videos

Here's another good cute cat video to cheer us all up. Not just great puddy footage but some awesome music editing. You may recognise Alien.

WTF Kitty: I want one!

It's no good. Boyfriends just don't cut the moutarde any more. What I really need is one of these.

Serial Killer Cat Fools Everyone: Tony Blair takes tips

Oscar the cat has his pawprints all over 50 deaths at an old people's home in America. He chooses his victims, curls up with them overnight and secretly dispatches them. Oddly, the authorities have mixed up cause and effect and credited the murdering moggy with a supernatural ability to detect imminent doom, comforting the dying in their final hours, when it's obvious to the rest of us that he's been bumping off persistent bed-blockers.

And now he has been given a book deal: "Making Rounds With Oscar: The Extraordinary Gift of an Ordinary Cat." (Hyperion, $23.99). JP Morgan want to sign him, he stands to make a fortune on the lecture circuit, and world-class villains want to stroke him. Except for Tony Blair who is watching developments and has complained, "It's not fair. How come Oscar gets away with it? I want to see how well he'd do in front of the Chillcat Inquiry".

Oscar says, "No more Kit-E-Kat and the odd mouse for me. I'm hob-nobbing with the big guys, now. Where's my beluga?"

Beware, if Oscar decides to help you and promises to bring democracy to your sad life, this is the kiss of death and you will be dead by dawn. Tony Blair is taking tips.

Yeah! You may look cute ...

UPDATE: 1st Feb 2010 Iraq inquiry may recall Tony Blair over conflicting evidence

Serial Killer Cat Fools Everyone: Tony Blair takes tips

Oscar the cat has his pawprints all over 50 deaths at an old people's home in America. He chooses his victims, curls up with them overnight and secretly dispatches them. Oddly, the authorities have mixed up cause and effect and credited the murdering moggy with a supernatural ability to detect imminent doom, comforting the dying in their final hours, when it's obvious to the rest of us that he's been bumping off persistent bed-blockers.

And now he has been given a book deal: "Making Rounds With Oscar: The Extraordinary Gift of an Ordinary Cat." (Hyperion, $23.99). JP Morgan want to sign him, he stands to make a fortune on the lecture circuit, and world-class villains want to stroke him. Except for Tony Blair who is watching developments and has complained, "It's not fair. How come Oscar gets away with it? I want to see how well he'd do in front of the Chillcat Inquiry".

Oscar says, "No more Kit-E-Kat and the odd mouse for me. I'm hob-nobbing with the big guys, now. Where's my beluga?"

Beware, if Oscar decides to help you and promises to bring democracy to your sad life, this is the kiss of death and you will be dead by dawn. Tony Blair is taking tips.

Yeah! You may look cute ...

UPDATE: 1st Feb 2010 Iraq inquiry may recall Tony Blair over conflicting evidence