Katie Price and Alex Reid: Diana, car crashes and cavemen

Sneer if you like, but Katie and Alex don't half make me laugh.

In sore need of a lighter note after yesterday's grim reminder that war is hell, I'm turning to my bestest meeja show-off and her "lovable pratt" spouse, Alex Reid.

One thing I like about Alex is that, even though the tabloid favourites are constantly photographed on one long shopping trip, laden with posh-looking bags and dressed in attire usually involving the colour pink, he's still wearing the same coat he wore on Celebrity Big Brother when he surprised everyone and emerged the winner. Maybe it's his lucky coat. Or maybe Katie won't spring for anything sensible not in girlie hues.

Safeguarding his charmed streak, Alex has taken recent delivery of a Bible from fellow housemate Stephen Baldwin, who mind-frakked the cagefighter so entertainingly on TV. It'll look great in their library alongside the fruits of Katie Price's prolific authorship.

While I know quite a few chaps suffering from Jesus and Lenin/Trotsky complexes, when women succumb to grandiose identification syndrome, Cleopatra, Joan of Arc and Nadezhda Krupskaya have been back-burnered in favour of the sainted Diana.

According to the ever-reliable Daily Mail:

Katie says one of the reasons she is happy for her whirlwind romance with cage fighter Alex Reid to so quickly lead to marriage is because she always has a feeling that she might not be alive for long. She added: 'It wouldn't surprise me if it's (her death) a car crash, I always say that. Sometimes I think it might be a Diana moment because of the way the press chase me outside my house and try and run me off the road.'

Alex has been offered a role as a caveman in a new BBC drama, 200 BC. Yes, that's right. Two hundred years BC. I can't imagine why they want to cast him as a caveman. Everyone else will be in woad and living in wattle huts but Alex will be in a cave. Somehow it seems so right.

He said: 'I’m quite excited to play a Homo sapien. It’s like a different take – that cavemen weren’t actually stupid, they were quite intellectual.'

Ah, bless. How can you not love these two?

Katie Price and Alex Reid: Diana, car crashes and cavemen

Sneer if you like, but Katie and Alex don't half make me laugh.

In sore need of a lighter note after yesterday's grim reminder that war is hell, I'm turning to my bestest meeja show-off and her "lovable pratt" spouse, Alex Reid.

One thing I like about Alex is that, even though the tabloid favourites are constantly photographed on one long shopping trip, laden with posh-looking bags and dressed in attire usually involving the colour pink, he's still wearing the same coat he wore on Celebrity Big Brother when he surprised everyone and emerged the winner. Maybe it's his lucky coat. Or maybe Katie won't spring for anything sensible not in girlie hues.

Safeguarding his charmed streak, Alex has taken recent delivery of a Bible from fellow housemate Stephen Baldwin, who mind-frakked the cagefighter so entertainingly on TV. It'll look great in their library alongside the fruits of Katie Price's prolific authorship.

While I know quite a few chaps suffering from Jesus and Lenin/Trotsky complexes, when women succumb to grandiose identification syndrome, Cleopatra, Joan of Arc and Nadezhda Krupskaya have been back-burnered in favour of the sainted Diana.

According to the ever-reliable Daily Mail:

Katie says one of the reasons she is happy for her whirlwind romance with cage fighter Alex Reid to so quickly lead to marriage is because she always has a feeling that she might not be alive for long. She added: 'It wouldn't surprise me if it's (her death) a car crash, I always say that. Sometimes I think it might be a Diana moment because of the way the press chase me outside my house and try and run me off the road.'

Alex has been offered a role as a caveman in a new BBC drama, 200 BC. Yes, that's right. Two hundred years BC. I can't imagine why they want to cast him as a caveman. Everyone else will be in woad and living in wattle huts but Alex will be in a cave. Somehow it seems so right.

He said: 'I’m quite excited to play a Homo sapien. It’s like a different take – that cavemen weren’t actually stupid, they were quite intellectual.'

Ah, bless. How can you not love these two?

International Women's Day: All Mouth But Still No Trousers

Katie Price demands worship from her men and takes no crap

When Though Cowards Flinch asked me to write something for International Women’s Day, I was flummoxed by the request. What’s to write about? Everything seems to have reached a fine old equilibrium. Plenty of babes in government, the ruling class stuffed to the brim with bosses of the female persuasion ...

That nice Tessa Jowell could even afford to give her old man the heave-ho when he was caught embarrassing her with his alleged acceptance of largesse off Silvio Berlusconi, instead of hanging on timidly as the little woman was wont to do in days of old (not that embarrassment ever inhibited Tony and Cherie from snuffling in that particular hospitality trough). No, these women can snaffle their own Hérmes Birkins, thank you very much. And cheers for the goody-bag.

In the absence of anyone of high enough calibre on the domestic front, Katie Price and her high calibre domestic frontage is proving an outstanding role model for women.

Seriously.

As feminist icon she’s the only contender. While WAGs and slebs are publicly humiliated by their chaps’ shagathons and beatings, Katie demands a man who worships the ground ’pon which she walks. And, thanks to breast implant reduction, she now has less need to worry about said upholstery exploding under low pressure at high altitude when she flies. How liberating is that? Plus she’s authored more books than she’s read. Suck on that, literary losers (I address myself there.)

And, glory be, in this age of the Credit Crunch we now have equal pay … what with male friends getting their wages lowered to the level of women. Don’t tell me we haven’t made progress.

Incidence of rape is down, according to UK prosecution figures. I may very well be able to walk out naked on a Saturday night safe in the knowledge that chivalry is flourishing. And the only violation will be of the parking laws when I hurtle onto the kerb across two residents’ parking bays because we ladies can’t drive, innit? No more the irrational fear of the rogue minicab driver, or groundless suspicion of the leering lothario at the bar and his secret stash of Rohypnol.

Don’t forget: if you do find yourself sexually assaulted on a date and you lack witnesses, polaroids or video demonstrating you yelled “No!” in a manner that did not mean, “Yes, I’m up for it, big boy”, then you probably brought it on yourself. And so say an increasing number of women. Right on sistaz!

Good to see that women still luxuriate in the patronage of boyfriends and partners able to dole out privileges on the basis of comfort and dubious merit. Note Kate Moss and her scraggy range of schmatte tossed together at the behest of her Top Shop “mentor”, the tax-avoiding Monaco-residing Philip Green, in return for much moolah paid into the Moss coffers and which is said to have hastened the departure of the woman who’d dragged the clothing emporium out of the doldrums, Jane Shepherdson.

This levelling of the playing field has been so successful in bringing the gurls in from oblivion or penury that it’s even been adopted by the left. Ah yes, I well remember being told by one bit of socialist totty, “I’m doing your job now”, once I’d worked unpaid around the clock for la causa and something was up for grabs. She never did do the serious work but she enjoyed the fruits of my labour, proving that women can do whatever a man can do … and do it better. Cheers, comrade.

Elsewhere, lionesses of feminism decry sexist behaviour unless it’s their blokes who’re doing the exploiting. (Where’re my wages, Lindz?)

Nothing like support from fellow women in the movement. And, indeed, that was nuthin’ like it.

No, my respect goes to the women in real danger across the world, living under oppression every day and fighting to resist it. All power to you in your struggle, sisters, on International Women’s Day.

First published at Though Cowards Flinch

International Women's Day: All Mouth But Still No Trousers

Katie Price demands worship from her men and takes no crap

When Though Cowards Flinch asked me to write something for International Women’s Day, I was flummoxed by the request. What’s to write about? Everything seems to have reached a fine old equilibrium. Plenty of babes in government, the ruling class stuffed to the brim with bosses of the female persuasion ...

That nice Tessa Jowell could even afford to give her old man the heave-ho when he was caught embarrassing her with his alleged acceptance of largesse off Silvio Berlusconi, instead of hanging on timidly as the little woman was wont to do in days of old (not that embarrassment ever inhibited Tony and Cherie from snuffling in that particular hospitality trough). No, these women can snaffle their own Hérmes Birkins, thank you very much. And cheers for the goody-bag.

In the absence of anyone of high enough calibre on the domestic front, Katie Price and her high calibre domestic frontage is proving an outstanding role model for women.

Seriously.

As feminist icon she’s the only contender. While WAGs and slebs are publicly humiliated by their chaps’ shagathons and beatings, Katie demands a man who worships the ground ’pon which she walks. And, thanks to breast implant reduction, she now has less need to worry about said upholstery exploding under low pressure at high altitude when she flies. How liberating is that? Plus she’s authored more books than she’s read. Suck on that, literary losers (I address myself there.)

And, glory be, in this age of the Credit Crunch we now have equal pay … what with male friends getting their wages lowered to the level of women. Don’t tell me we haven’t made progress.

Incidence of rape is down, according to UK prosecution figures. I may very well be able to walk out naked on a Saturday night safe in the knowledge that chivalry is flourishing. And the only violation will be of the parking laws when I hurtle onto the kerb across two residents’ parking bays because we ladies can’t drive, innit? No more the irrational fear of the rogue minicab driver, or groundless suspicion of the leering lothario at the bar and his secret stash of Rohypnol.

Don’t forget: if you do find yourself sexually assaulted on a date and you lack witnesses, polaroids or video demonstrating you yelled “No!” in a manner that did not mean, “Yes, I’m up for it, big boy”, then you probably brought it on yourself. And so say an increasing number of women. Right on sistaz!

Good to see that women still luxuriate in the patronage of boyfriends and partners able to dole out privileges on the basis of comfort and dubious merit. Note Kate Moss and her scraggy range of schmatte tossed together at the behest of her Top Shop “mentor”, the tax-avoiding Monaco-residing Philip Green, in return for much moolah paid into the Moss coffers and which is said to have hastened the departure of the woman who’d dragged the clothing emporium out of the doldrums, Jane Shepherdson.

This levelling of the playing field has been so successful in bringing the gurls in from oblivion or penury that it’s even been adopted by the left. Ah yes, I well remember being told by one bit of socialist totty, “I’m doing your job now”, once I’d worked unpaid around the clock for la causa and something was up for grabs. She never did do the serious work but she enjoyed the fruits of my labour, proving that women can do whatever a man can do … and do it better. Cheers, comrade.

Elsewhere, lionesses of feminism decry sexist behaviour unless it’s their blokes who’re doing the exploiting. (Where’re my wages, Lindz?)

Nothing like support from fellow women in the movement. And, indeed, that was nuthin’ like it.

No, my respect goes to the women in real danger across the world, living under oppression every day and fighting to resist it. All power to you in your struggle, sisters, on International Women’s Day.

First published at Though Cowards Flinch

Alastair Campbell breaks down in tears on TV over Tony Blair

A distressed Alastair Campbell broke down in tears during a TV interview with Andrew Marr when quizzed about Tony Blair and his new relationship with the British public.

"It's so unfair, why does everyone hate him?", sobbed Campbell when probed by BBC's Marr about the role the public would play in his crumbling reputation.

My Little Tony
Choking back tears he declared, "All us pretty fan-boys are heart-broken. Richard "Dick" Madeley even went on YouTube to defend Tony. Everybody hurts and Simon Cowell may step in with a record to raise funds for any court case he may have to face after the devastation that Iraq has wreaked on him. Did I mention this was unfair?"

Campbell is also thought to be under pressure due to screwing up at Chilcot despite his smugness and a friendly panel. In a second bite at the cherry, he said:

... he had "misunderstood" a question and in a memo to the inquiry said he feared he had given the wrong impression that the then prime minister could have claimed Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction "beyond doubt" even if intelligence chiefs disagreed.

When pressed with a cup of tea from Marr, he replied," He did not sleep with that woman. I mean, he did not mislead Parliament. Look, I've been to hell and back over this so I get confused. Have you read my latest work of fiction? "

Tony Blair is an honourable man.



Satire on life-support. Paul Routledge replies

More on Blair's eccentric take on corruption and BAE:

Ms Short's complaint that the sale of military radar to poverty-stricken Tanzania "stank" of corruption did not prevent from Mr Blair forcing the deal through. ... Britain is too lax in dealing with corporate corruption and bribery ...

Tony Blair is a wealthy man.

Alastair Campbell breaks down in tears on TV over Tony Blair

A distressed Alastair Campbell broke down in tears during a TV interview with Andrew Marr when quizzed about Tony Blair and his new relationship with the British public.

"It's so unfair, why does everyone hate him?", sobbed Campbell when probed by BBC's Marr about the role the public would play in his crumbling reputation.

My Little Tony
Choking back tears he declared, "All us pretty fan-boys are heart-broken. Richard "Dick" Madeley even went on YouTube to defend Tony. Everybody hurts and Simon Cowell may step in with a record to raise funds for any court case he may have to face after the devastation that Iraq has wreaked on him. Did I mention this was unfair?"

Campbell is also thought to be under pressure due to screwing up at Chilcot despite his smugness and a friendly panel. In a second bite at the cherry, he said:

... he had "misunderstood" a question and in a memo to the inquiry said he feared he had given the wrong impression that the then prime minister could have claimed Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction "beyond doubt" even if intelligence chiefs disagreed.

When pressed with a cup of tea from Marr, he replied," He did not sleep with that woman. I mean, he did not mislead Parliament. Look, I've been to hell and back over this so I get confused. Have you read my latest work of fiction? "

Tony Blair is an honourable man.



Satire on life-support. Paul Routledge replies

More on Blair's eccentric take on corruption and BAE:

Ms Short's complaint that the sale of military radar to poverty-stricken Tanzania "stank" of corruption did not prevent from Mr Blair forcing the deal through. ... Britain is too lax in dealing with corporate corruption and bribery ...

Tony Blair is a wealthy man.