Welcome to my world. Broken, bleak and busted as it is, I aim to inject a bit of joy and illumination into the time you spend with me, even if it is a bit like getting made up by candle-light. Being the first of many blogs to come, thought I'd kick off with my current bete noire.
I can't possibly be the only person to despise The Apprentice, Dragon's Den, gladiatorial reality shows, the swathe of telly pulp celebrating abusive chefs, property porn and body dysfunction, in fact all the drek naturalising the disorder of things where you have to go begging for crumbs from a malign band of arrogant power-loving saddos who seem to have crawled out from under a giant stone in recent years in some post-apocalyptic catastrophe involving radiation.
Doling out humiliation and disdain like ennui-ridden doms in a Billingham bondage bar (apologies to Billingham), gleefully wrecking strangers' livelihoods and shaking their moneymakers in your face as they wave goodbye ... they are FUGLY!
Do up your house, do up yourself. Make yourself a more effective commodity. Compete, compete, compete. Sell, sell, sell.
Who commissions this crap?!!! And why is the BBC going along with it?
It's horrible, it's like the moneychangers in the Temple. It's like that scene in It's A Wonderful Life when James Stewart's character sees the world as it would have been without him and it all looks like Thatcher's wet dream with everything and everyone up for sale.
It's all turned into Biff-World in Back To The Future but with an unctious Evan Davis instead of the infinitely more honest Biff. At least you knew Biff was shafting you. At least Biff had the courtesy not to smile while he was ripping out the guts of the culture. At least he wouldn't have had to grease himself up with oily charm to fist you.
We're all Eloi being herded into the cattle pens by the Morloks. Don't let them kid you ... THIS IS NOT NORMAL. REBOOT. WAKE UP AND REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE.
I mean it.