Monday, 27 April 2009

Madam Miaow's Slick Muthafukkaz Guide To Effective Shaving

I've noticed that some of the lads are getting a bit sloppy when it comes to matters of personal grooming. Here's some expert advice handed down to me by my dear sainted Mother which has stood me in good stead all these years.

SHAVING TIME: under 3 minutes — with a little practice

1) Assemble the following essential equipment:
a) Quality razor with fresh blade (not necessarily a brand-new blade, but one which is still adequately sharp. Blunt old blades are both ineffective at their designated task and painful/irritating to the skin, so replace blade whenever you begin to experience razor drag, frequent cuts or any other form of unsatisfactory performance. NOTE: a ‘lubricating strip’ is designed to provide a small extra degree of glide, not to serve as a fully adequate substitute for …)
b) Quality foam/cream/gel from reputable manufacturer (it may be necessary to experiment with a variety of products to find the one which suits best)
c) Quality alcohol-based aftershave with nice pong (ditto)
d) Quality moisturiser (ditto)
Desirable but not crucial:
e) Magnifying shaving mirror

2) Even if you’ve just emerged from the shower, vigorously wash face with generous quantities of soap, and water as hot as is tolerable, which will both open the pores and soften the stubble. Fill basin with hot water and place razor therein, allowing approx 30 seconds for razor blade(s) to heat up to water temperature whilst you ...

3) Apply generous quantity of foam/cream/gel to beard area, working it in thoroughly to your hot wet face and now- (hopefully) softened stubble.

4) Now shave, carefully drawing razor across beard first with and then against the growth grain, which may not be consistent over entire face. (This is where the magnifying mirror will be useful to help locate patches of beard area which you may have missed.) Rinse blade frequently in hot water to remove stubble, foam etc.

5) Once entire beard area has been shaved, rinse face thoroughly with cold water for first stage of pore-closing. Rinse razor thoroughly also, so it’s as clean as possible for next shave. Splash on astringent pong to complete pore-closing process and generate exciting and aphrodisiac aromae.

6) Finish off with moisturiser to counteract the skin-drying effect of the shaving process.

7) Prepare to accept extravagant compliments, comparisons to babies’ bottoms, etc. Bask in the realisation that, the closer and more meticulous the shave, the more time can be allowed to elapse before you need to do it all over again.

Thanks to Charles Shaar Murray for letting me watch.


Paul said...

5 and 6 are the wrong way round. Alcohol based after shave can be a shock to the system when applied to freshly unmoistuised skin! As a woman though what is your favourite after shave on a bloke?

Mr. Divine said...

1985; Wardour Street was seen from the window of Air Aeroflot the cheapest flight to India, the home where the shave per excellence is performed millions of times a day.

You ain't been shaved until you've been to India. Your face and neck is shaved twice, to make sure all is removed. And not only that , the hairs up yer nose are cut off as are the hairs at the back of your ears. BACK OF YOUR EARS! DID YOU HEAR THAT?

Cut throat razors, no disposables .. It cost about 5 rupees or 8 p. I went every four /five days .. sod the expense.

Madam Miaow said...

Hi Paul,

I favour Armani Mania, Chanel Egoiste, Ralph Lauren Polo, and the sweat of honest toil.

Dunhill Classic was lovely but they stopped making it.

Clarins Eau Dynamisante and Chanel No 5 are best girlie scents.

I think we have a controversy starting here at Madam Miaow's. What comes first, moisturiser or aftershave? (Who comes first? Always the lady!)

oliver said...

anna, you went to a straight man for grooming advice? tut tut.

1. apply clinique shaving cream liberally adding a little water.
2. use most up-to-date gillette razor you can find (and don't use the blade for more than 2 shaves).
3. shave with the growth first
4. don't shave against the growth unless you really must.
5. rinse with lots and lots of cold water.
6. apply dermalogica's moisture balance.
7. no aftershave - pheromones only please!

Renegade Eye said...

I have to shave my scalp twice a week, to keep my Stone Cold Steve Austin look.

Mr. Divine said...

It starts as a bit of a laugh then it grows. You think at first its controllable but then it gets bigger and bigger. Everyone of them seem to be in on the act there are definitely moments when you want to shout, "Stop right there, and no further."

But there is no stopping this juggeranuat. When it's done you feel like a huge weight has been lifted off your shoulders. And life can begin again without a hair on your body.

Mr. Divine said...

PS A Husqvarna 325, as pictured, is not the ideal cutting instrument for the above shaving procedure, no matter how sharp the chainsaw shop man claims to have made it.

splinteredsunrise said...

Thanks for the tips. Maybe now I can walk into a pub without people saying, "Hey, aren't you Tom Selleck?"

Madam Miaow said...

Either Tom or Ron Jeremy.