Katie Price and Alex Reid: Diana, car crashes and cavemen

Sneer if you like, but Katie and Alex don't half make me laugh.

In sore need of a lighter note after yesterday's grim reminder that war is hell, I'm turning to my bestest meeja show-off and her "lovable pratt" spouse, Alex Reid.

One thing I like about Alex is that, even though the tabloid favourites are constantly photographed on one long shopping trip, laden with posh-looking bags and dressed in attire usually involving the colour pink, he's still wearing the same coat he wore on Celebrity Big Brother when he surprised everyone and emerged the winner. Maybe it's his lucky coat. Or maybe Katie won't spring for anything sensible not in girlie hues.

Safeguarding his charmed streak, Alex has taken recent delivery of a Bible from fellow housemate Stephen Baldwin, who mind-frakked the cagefighter so entertainingly on TV. It'll look great in their library alongside the fruits of Katie Price's prolific authorship.

While I know quite a few chaps suffering from Jesus and Lenin/Trotsky complexes, when women succumb to grandiose identification syndrome, Cleopatra, Joan of Arc and Nadezhda Krupskaya have been back-burnered in favour of the sainted Diana.

According to the ever-reliable Daily Mail:

Katie says one of the reasons she is happy for her whirlwind romance with cage fighter Alex Reid to so quickly lead to marriage is because she always has a feeling that she might not be alive for long. She added: 'It wouldn't surprise me if it's (her death) a car crash, I always say that. Sometimes I think it might be a Diana moment because of the way the press chase me outside my house and try and run me off the road.'

Alex has been offered a role as a caveman in a new BBC drama, 200 BC. Yes, that's right. Two hundred years BC. I can't imagine why they want to cast him as a caveman. Everyone else will be in woad and living in wattle huts but Alex will be in a cave. Somehow it seems so right.

He said: 'I’m quite excited to play a Homo sapien. It’s like a different take – that cavemen weren’t actually stupid, they were quite intellectual.'

Ah, bless. How can you not love these two?

Katie Price and Alex Reid: Diana, car crashes and cavemen

Sneer if you like, but Katie and Alex don't half make me laugh.

In sore need of a lighter note after yesterday's grim reminder that war is hell, I'm turning to my bestest meeja show-off and her "lovable pratt" spouse, Alex Reid.

One thing I like about Alex is that, even though the tabloid favourites are constantly photographed on one long shopping trip, laden with posh-looking bags and dressed in attire usually involving the colour pink, he's still wearing the same coat he wore on Celebrity Big Brother when he surprised everyone and emerged the winner. Maybe it's his lucky coat. Or maybe Katie won't spring for anything sensible not in girlie hues.

Safeguarding his charmed streak, Alex has taken recent delivery of a Bible from fellow housemate Stephen Baldwin, who mind-frakked the cagefighter so entertainingly on TV. It'll look great in their library alongside the fruits of Katie Price's prolific authorship.

While I know quite a few chaps suffering from Jesus and Lenin/Trotsky complexes, when women succumb to grandiose identification syndrome, Cleopatra, Joan of Arc and Nadezhda Krupskaya have been back-burnered in favour of the sainted Diana.

According to the ever-reliable Daily Mail:

Katie says one of the reasons she is happy for her whirlwind romance with cage fighter Alex Reid to so quickly lead to marriage is because she always has a feeling that she might not be alive for long. She added: 'It wouldn't surprise me if it's (her death) a car crash, I always say that. Sometimes I think it might be a Diana moment because of the way the press chase me outside my house and try and run me off the road.'

Alex has been offered a role as a caveman in a new BBC drama, 200 BC. Yes, that's right. Two hundred years BC. I can't imagine why they want to cast him as a caveman. Everyone else will be in woad and living in wattle huts but Alex will be in a cave. Somehow it seems so right.

He said: 'I’m quite excited to play a Homo sapien. It’s like a different take – that cavemen weren’t actually stupid, they were quite intellectual.'

Ah, bless. How can you not love these two?

The Usual Suspects: Stephen Baldwin IS Keyser Soze in Celebrity Big Brother

Stephen Baldwin's finest hour came when he starred in The Usual Suspects (1995). And it's been all downhill from there.

Watching the weirdest Celebrity Big Brother (every gurl needs a private vice) since George Galloway so famously did his cat thang and revealed his true charming self, I've been fascinated in a horrified sort of way with actor Stephen Baldwin. This right-wing shock jock and Christian fundamentalist (the Baldwin boy who looks like he had a difficult birth, according to some) has been spooking us with his bible-readings and proselytising, all of which, according to various housemates, has been a bit full-on.

It's yielded some darkly comic moments such as Stevie B converting a gullible Alex Reid who blubbed like the lost soul he is, and then proceeding to draw us into the horror fantasy of Alex having to shoot his own son, and snapping, "That's how God felt when he had to kill his only son." Then when Alex was at his lowest, whispering, "Hope I haven't bummed you out," and laughing manically.

Another crazed thing is him preachifying about compassion when the housemates finally put their foot down with the bratty Lady Sovereign (24) while he set out to smite sweet harmless Nicola T in a truly nasty two-faced vendetta.

This is American Psycho's Patrick Batemen but without the stylish clothes or the good haircut. He is gifted with a razored-on smile that slices all the way into his chubby cheeks and makes him a contender for the role of The Joker sans make-up now that Heath Ledger has mysteriously passed away. Hope you got an alibi, Brudder Steve.

So last night we dusted off The Usual Suspects and slung it on the player. I was pleasantly surprised with how good Stephen was. His natural unhinged qualities stood him well as the leather-jacketed Michael McManus, who may or may not have been in love with his partner in crime, Benicio Del Torres's Fenster. If you'd seen Stephen lovingly massaging the muscular Alex and fussing over him like a mother hen — "Fix your nose and you could play Bond" — you'd have your suspicions about exactly what is being repressed as well.

Or him staring — and I mean LASER BEAM wish-I-had-X-ray-vision-instead-of-these-little-piggies — in disapproval at the gorgeous Jonas clad only in his undies. In one hilarious and nutty moment, Stephen insisted that Jonas, who hails from Sweden where the human body has never been much of a hang-up, had pranced around in his "banana-hammock" only. It took the testimony of other housemates (and the video-tape, I keep tellin' ya, Stevie) and our collective memory to prove that Jonas was also wearing a vest as well. For, armed with the good lord on his side, Stephen only had eyes for one thing.

People want to shoot him with a reality gun. Revealing the Narnia in his head with each epic pronouncement, he swears things have happened that we know are not true because we have the video tape. Such as when he blamed Nicola for getting them into trouble with Big Brother by talking about nominations and attributing his own words spoken just that day to her. And because the woman challenged his version of reality, he now hates her, is poisoning everyone against her using the creepiest biblical language and declares forgiveness to be out the window. A cracked nut using the sledgehammer of his lordly wrath to crack a nut.

SPOILER ALERT: I was disappointed by The Usual Suspects because there's a great big hole in the plot. If Keyser Soze schemed so meticulously his genius plan to kill the one person who could identify him, then how about the entire police station that had seen him, spoken to him and fed him coffee? If he could disappear for them, then how about doing his vanishing trick for crims lacking the resources of America's finest?

Meanwhile, former CBB star, left shock-jock and Respect MP George Galloway continues to split himself between Jekyll and Hyde. This winter his Dr Jekyll did the most amazing and brave thing by leading the Viva Palestina aid convoy all the way to the blockaded people of Gaza through the enemy territory that Egypt has become. Following attacks and arrests, Galloway cried "Let my people go", was slung out of Egypt and found himself declared persona non grata — an honour under the circumstances. Go GG!

If you are watching Celebrity Big Brother, check the #cbb and #cbb7 Tweets during broadcast and share the schadenfreude as wackiness ensues.

The Usual Suspects: Stephen Baldwin IS Keyser Soze in Celebrity Big Brother

Stephen Baldwin's finest hour came when he starred in The Usual Suspects (1995). And it's been all downhill from there.

Watching the weirdest Celebrity Big Brother (every gurl needs a private vice) since George Galloway so famously did his cat thang and revealed his true charming self, I've been fascinated in a horrified sort of way with actor Stephen Baldwin. This right-wing shock jock and Christian fundamentalist (the Baldwin boy who looks like he had a difficult birth, according to some) has been spooking us with his bible-readings and proselytising, all of which, according to various housemates, has been a bit full-on.

It's yielded some darkly comic moments such as Stevie B converting a gullible Alex Reid who blubbed like the lost soul he is, and then proceeding to draw us into the horror fantasy of Alex having to shoot his own son, and snapping, "That's how God felt when he had to kill his only son." Then when Alex was at his lowest, whispering, "Hope I haven't bummed you out," and laughing manically.

Another crazed thing is him preachifying about compassion when the housemates finally put their foot down with the bratty Lady Sovereign (24) while he set out to smite sweet harmless Nicola T in a truly nasty two-faced vendetta.

This is American Psycho's Patrick Batemen but without the stylish clothes or the good haircut. He is gifted with a razored-on smile that slices all the way into his chubby cheeks and makes him a contender for the role of The Joker sans make-up now that Heath Ledger has mysteriously passed away. Hope you got an alibi, Brudder Steve.

So last night we dusted off The Usual Suspects and slung it on the player. I was pleasantly surprised with how good Stephen was. His natural unhinged qualities stood him well as the leather-jacketed Michael McManus, who may or may not have been in love with his partner in crime, Benicio Del Torres's Fenster. If you'd seen Stephen lovingly massaging the muscular Alex and fussing over him like a mother hen — "Fix your nose and you could play Bond" — you'd have your suspicions about exactly what is being repressed as well.

Or him staring — and I mean LASER BEAM wish-I-had-X-ray-vision-instead-of-these-little-piggies — in disapproval at the gorgeous Jonas clad only in his undies. In one hilarious and nutty moment, Stephen insisted that Jonas, who hails from Sweden where the human body has never been much of a hang-up, had pranced around in his "banana-hammock" only. It took the testimony of other housemates (and the video-tape, I keep tellin' ya, Stevie) and our collective memory to prove that Jonas was also wearing a vest as well. For, armed with the good lord on his side, Stephen only had eyes for one thing.

People want to shoot him with a reality gun. Revealing the Narnia in his head with each epic pronouncement, he swears things have happened that we know are not true because we have the video tape. Such as when he blamed Nicola for getting them into trouble with Big Brother by talking about nominations and attributing his own words spoken just that day to her. And because the woman challenged his version of reality, he now hates her, is poisoning everyone against her using the creepiest biblical language and declares forgiveness to be out the window. A cracked nut using the sledgehammer of his lordly wrath to crack a nut.

SPOILER ALERT: I was disappointed by The Usual Suspects because there's a great big hole in the plot. If Keyser Soze schemed so meticulously his genius plan to kill the one person who could identify him, then how about the entire police station that had seen him, spoken to him and fed him coffee? If he could disappear for them, then how about doing his vanishing trick for crims lacking the resources of America's finest?

Meanwhile, former CBB star, left shock-jock and Respect MP George Galloway continues to split himself between Jekyll and Hyde. This winter his Dr Jekyll did the most amazing and brave thing by leading the Viva Palestina aid convoy all the way to the blockaded people of Gaza through the enemy territory that Egypt has become. Following attacks and arrests, Galloway cried "Let my people go", was slung out of Egypt and found himself declared persona non grata — an honour under the circumstances. Go GG!

If you are watching Celebrity Big Brother, check the #cbb and #cbb7 Tweets during broadcast and share the schadenfreude as wackiness ensues.

St Stephen Baldwin and "sleep cougaring": Celebrity Big Brother 2010

Alex Reid ... Nah!

Sisqo ... Nah!

Basshunter ... Meh!

Stephen, wahey, now you're talking

And so "sleep cougaring" enters the language courtesy of potato-head Baldwin on tonight's Celebrity Big Brother (Channel 4). According to St Stephen, least talented member of the screen dynasty turned clean-living Christian right-wing radio talk-show host, it's when a woman fancies a younger man in the night and goes stalking. So he's taking a bunk up the far end of the room coz for some reason he's convinced that Ivana Trump will be jumping his pudgy bones rather than those of any of the available hunks such as Jonas "Basshunter" Altberg, Sisqo of the much admired bum, or Alex "Daniel Craig/Lee Evans" Reid.

Personally, I suspect she'd rather spend time with her Louis Vuittons.

Stevie probably hasn't heard, but bible-thumping Christian proselytisers have a tendency to come unstuck around these heah parts.

For anyone with a life who hasn't succumbed to the lure of this final series of CBB, Stevie (who had "IRA" tattooed for his badboy role in The Usual Suspects because make-up wasn't authentic enough even though he didn't know what the IRA is) entertains his housemates with readings from the bible, enlightening his captive audience with his own exalted values. That's when he's not teaching cage-fighter Alex Reid how to box and veteran thesp Stephanie Beacham how to deliver her lines. (Can't wait to see him teach Sisqo how to sing and Lady Sov how to rap.)

One example he gave: if a madman burst in with a gun and held it to his little girl's head and told her she had to say Jesus didn't exist or die, Daddy would say, "See you in heaven, honey".

Suffice it to say that we all want this nutjob to stay. For a mind-boggling high score on WTF-o-meter, none of his housemates can compete.

Ivana Humpalot ... but not with Trigger

Check out Cougar at urbandictionary.com

Perhaps Stephen was thinking of Iris Robinson. Although she might not totally fit the bill as cougars are supposed to "have their shit together," which Iris evidently does not.

More quotes from Hannibal Baldwin

St Stephen Baldwin and "sleep cougaring": Celebrity Big Brother 2010

Alex Reid ... Nah!

Sisqo ... Nah!

Basshunter ... Meh!

Stephen, wahey, now you're talking

And so "sleep cougaring" enters the language courtesy of potato-head Baldwin on tonight's Celebrity Big Brother (Channel 4). According to St Stephen, least talented member of the screen dynasty turned clean-living Christian right-wing radio talk-show host, it's when a woman fancies a younger man in the night and goes stalking. So he's taking a bunk up the far end of the room coz for some reason he's convinced that Ivana Trump will be jumping his pudgy bones rather than those of any of the available hunks such as Jonas "Basshunter" Altberg, Sisqo of the much admired bum, or Alex "Daniel Craig/Lee Evans" Reid.

Personally, I suspect she'd rather spend time with her Louis Vuittons.

Stevie probably hasn't heard, but bible-thumping Christian proselytisers have a tendency to come unstuck around these heah parts.

For anyone with a life who hasn't succumbed to the lure of this final series of CBB, Stevie (who had "IRA" tattooed for his badboy role in The Usual Suspects because make-up wasn't authentic enough even though he didn't know what the IRA is) entertains his housemates with readings from the bible, enlightening his captive audience with his own exalted values. That's when he's not teaching cage-fighter Alex Reid how to box and veteran thesp Stephanie Beacham how to deliver her lines. (Can't wait to see him teach Sisqo how to sing and Lady Sov how to rap.)

One example he gave: if a madman burst in with a gun and held it to his little girl's head and told her she had to say Jesus didn't exist or die, Daddy would say, "See you in heaven, honey".

Suffice it to say that we all want this nutjob to stay. For a mind-boggling high score on WTF-o-meter, none of his housemates can compete.

Ivana Humpalot ... but not with Trigger

Check out Cougar at urbandictionary.com

Perhaps Stephen was thinking of Iris Robinson. Although she might not totally fit the bill as cougars are supposed to "have their shit together," which Iris evidently does not.

More quotes from Hannibal Baldwin

Tommy Sheridan on Celebrity Big Brother: the Madness of George II

Oh. My. God. He actually did it. Tommy Sheridan leaps in where angels fear to tread and gets a new bail address.

After MP George Galloway’s performance in the 2006 Celebrity Big Brother season 6, where he took the awesome combat skills he’d wielded to such great effect in the US Senate on the issue of the Iraq war and used them on his sweet young co-contestants, you’d think politicians would give reality shows a wide berth. Shooting minnows with a bazooka is not something the British public considers endearing. Yet. What profit a man that he gain a radio show but lose the respect of the multitudes ?

Is Tommy, a former Scottish Socialist Party MSP and now Solidarity leader, like all politicians — so in love with himself he assumes that to see him is to love him? Well, he’s managed to get me calling him the more familiar “Tommy” instead of “Sheridan”, so there’s a start.

Last night Tommy risked all during a crucial period when he is under investigation for perjury, and entered the CBB house along with ten other “celebrities” (can socialists please unpack that term?). He got the worst reception of all with the crowd booing his entrance. Even the hardened Davina McCall called it, “Harsh”. Considering so few of the Big Brother audience even knows who he is, arousing so raucous a response took some doing.

Davina went on: “He thinks the Big Brother House will be more regimented than prison.” Ooh, there’s a swipe. Ratting on his claim to a “great friendship with George Galloway” probably did him few favours with this particular audience, either.

You have to admire his chutzpah for playing his hand like this with so much at stake. He is probably more desperate than any of the other contestants, and that's in a line-up that includes Ulrika Johnson. Tommy wants a wider audience as a Man of the People. Great. That’s the entire CBB audience who will now be finding out what it is, exactly, the perjury charge is about.

Mind you, he could come out of it better the way Robert Kilroy Silk did from I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here, when he waded through crap and creepy-crawlies for our amusement and never complained. Do we think Tommy will likewise make us proud of him? What helped Kilroy, of course, was the addition of Timmy Mallet, the evil shrimp with the serial killer laugh, against whom even a steaming pile of poo would look good. But I’m not so sure there’s a villain in the CBB house who’ll make him shine.

Rapper Coolio’s temper and sexism (he doesn’t want any “ugly chicks” in the house) might afford Tommy the opportunity to show he has the Right Stuff. But remember how Galloway sucked up to Dennis Rodman in 2006? Will fear of conflict with an alpha male and the urge to male-bond override Tommy’s anti-sexist credentials? (Fnaargh! I just read what I wrote there!) It’ll be down to what’s expedient, what's principled, and won’t that give us lots of fun working out which is which?

Will he acquit himself? They’re all on their best behaviour now but will the dreaded finger-wagging creep into his interactions as conditioned by years on the left? He does have 20 years with Militant, remember.

The game will be to see who reverses expectations. Terry Christian has already impressed me with his observation that our political masters don’t want us participating in politics, and his story about the Lancashire publican during World War II who responded to the US officer’s demand that he instate a colour bar with a sign saying, “Black troops only”, was quite moving. Can Tommy do it? Can he repress the urge to blurt “And another thing, comrades ...”.

George Galloway gives his chum tips for success in The Daily Record: “Don't get involved in any arguments. Although history has absolved me re sleazy Michael Barrymore and sneaky Preston, at the time, I paid the ultimate price - eviction after 22 days.” George, you are delusional, mate. Did you not learn anything?

Poor George suffered mightily and cried all the way to a massive radio show. And now Tommy can count on the support of Galloway’s 800,000 listeners, plus The Daily Record, Tommy being their pin-up, a bit like Lucy Pinder in the Star.

It would be great to see him representing socialism at its best but I have a horrible feeling in my gut that has nothing to do with seasonal over-indulgence.

Madam Miaow says ... If he don’t act shit, you must acquit.

Also blogging on Tommy in CBB, AVPS and Splinty.

Let’s revisit some highlights.
Bewildered by a small puppy
Kitty love




Delicious

Tommy Sheridan on Celebrity Big Brother: the Madness of George II

Oh. My. God. He actually did it. Tommy Sheridan leaps in where angels fear to tread and gets a new bail address.

After MP George Galloway’s performance in the 2006 Celebrity Big Brother season 6, where he took the awesome combat skills he’d wielded to such great effect in the US Senate on the issue of the Iraq war and used them on his sweet young co-contestants, you’d think politicians would give reality shows a wide berth. Shooting minnows with a bazooka is not something the British public considers endearing. Yet. What profit a man that he gain a radio show but lose the respect of the multitudes ?

Is Tommy, a former Scottish Socialist Party MSP and now Solidarity leader, like all politicians — so in love with himself he assumes that to see him is to love him? Well, he’s managed to get me calling him the more familiar “Tommy” instead of “Sheridan”, so there’s a start.

Last night Tommy risked all during a crucial period when he is under investigation for perjury, and entered the CBB house along with ten other “celebrities” (can socialists please unpack that term?). He got the worst reception of all with the crowd booing his entrance. Even the hardened Davina McCall called it, “Harsh”. Considering so few of the Big Brother audience even knows who he is, arousing so raucous a response took some doing.

Davina went on: “He thinks the Big Brother House will be more regimented than prison.” Ooh, there’s a swipe. Ratting on his claim to a “great friendship with George Galloway” probably did him few favours with this particular audience, either.

You have to admire his chutzpah for playing his hand like this with so much at stake. He is probably more desperate than any of the other contestants, and that's in a line-up that includes Ulrika Johnson. Tommy wants a wider audience as a Man of the People. Great. That’s the entire CBB audience who will now be finding out what it is, exactly, the perjury charge is about.

Mind you, he could come out of it better the way Robert Kilroy Silk did from I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here, when he waded through crap and creepy-crawlies for our amusement and never complained. Do we think Tommy will likewise make us proud of him? What helped Kilroy, of course, was the addition of Timmy Mallet, the evil shrimp with the serial killer laugh, against whom even a steaming pile of poo would look good. But I’m not so sure there’s a villain in the CBB house who’ll make him shine.

Rapper Coolio’s temper and sexism (he doesn’t want any “ugly chicks” in the house) might afford Tommy the opportunity to show he has the Right Stuff. But remember how Galloway sucked up to Dennis Rodman in 2006? Will fear of conflict with an alpha male and the urge to male-bond override Tommy’s anti-sexist credentials? (Fnaargh! I just read what I wrote there!) It’ll be down to what’s expedient, what's principled, and won’t that give us lots of fun working out which is which?

Will he acquit himself? They’re all on their best behaviour now but will the dreaded finger-wagging creep into his interactions as conditioned by years on the left? He does have 20 years with Militant, remember.

The game will be to see who reverses expectations. Terry Christian has already impressed me with his observation that our political masters don’t want us participating in politics, and his story about the Lancashire publican during World War II who responded to the US officer’s demand that he instate a colour bar with a sign saying, “Black troops only”, was quite moving. Can Tommy do it? Can he repress the urge to blurt “And another thing, comrades ...”.

George Galloway gives his chum tips for success in The Daily Record: “Don't get involved in any arguments. Although history has absolved me re sleazy Michael Barrymore and sneaky Preston, at the time, I paid the ultimate price - eviction after 22 days.” George, you are delusional, mate. Did you not learn anything?

Poor George suffered mightily and cried all the way to a massive radio show. And now Tommy can count on the support of Galloway’s 800,000 listeners, plus The Daily Record, Tommy being their pin-up, a bit like Lucy Pinder in the Star.

It would be great to see him representing socialism at its best but I have a horrible feeling in my gut that has nothing to do with seasonal over-indulgence.

Madam Miaow says ... If he don’t act shit, you must acquit.

Also blogging on Tommy in CBB, AVPS and Splinty.

Let’s revisit some highlights.
Bewildered by a small puppy
Kitty love




Delicious