Wednesday 20 January 2010

The Usual Suspects: Stephen Baldwin IS Keyser Soze in Celebrity Big Brother

Stephen Baldwin's finest hour came when he starred in The Usual Suspects (1995). And it's been all downhill from there.

Watching the weirdest Celebrity Big Brother (every gurl needs a private vice) since George Galloway so famously did his cat thang and revealed his true charming self, I've been fascinated in a horrified sort of way with actor Stephen Baldwin. This right-wing shock jock and Christian fundamentalist (the Baldwin boy who looks like he had a difficult birth, according to some) has been spooking us with his bible-readings and proselytising, all of which, according to various housemates, has been a bit full-on.

It's yielded some darkly comic moments such as Stevie B converting a gullible Alex Reid who blubbed like the lost soul he is, and then proceeding to draw us into the horror fantasy of Alex having to shoot his own son, and snapping, "That's how God felt when he had to kill his only son." Then when Alex was at his lowest, whispering, "Hope I haven't bummed you out," and laughing manically.

Another crazed thing is him preachifying about compassion when the housemates finally put their foot down with the bratty Lady Sovereign (24) while he set out to smite sweet harmless Nicola T in a truly nasty two-faced vendetta.

This is American Psycho's Patrick Batemen but without the stylish clothes or the good haircut. He is gifted with a razored-on smile that slices all the way into his chubby cheeks and makes him a contender for the role of The Joker sans make-up now that Heath Ledger has mysteriously passed away. Hope you got an alibi, Brudder Steve.

So last night we dusted off The Usual Suspects and slung it on the player. I was pleasantly surprised with how good Stephen was. His natural unhinged qualities stood him well as the leather-jacketed Michael McManus, who may or may not have been in love with his partner in crime, Benicio Del Torres's Fenster. If you'd seen Stephen lovingly massaging the muscular Alex and fussing over him like a mother hen — "Fix your nose and you could play Bond" — you'd have your suspicions about exactly what is being repressed as well.

Or him staring — and I mean LASER BEAM wish-I-had-X-ray-vision-instead-of-these-little-piggies — in disapproval at the gorgeous Jonas clad only in his undies. In one hilarious and nutty moment, Stephen insisted that Jonas, who hails from Sweden where the human body has never been much of a hang-up, had pranced around in his "banana-hammock" only. It took the testimony of other housemates (and the video-tape, I keep tellin' ya, Stevie) and our collective memory to prove that Jonas was also wearing a vest as well. For, armed with the good lord on his side, Stephen only had eyes for one thing.

People want to shoot him with a reality gun. Revealing the Narnia in his head with each epic pronouncement, he swears things have happened that we know are not true because we have the video tape. Such as when he blamed Nicola for getting them into trouble with Big Brother by talking about nominations and attributing his own words spoken just that day to her. And because the woman challenged his version of reality, he now hates her, is poisoning everyone against her using the creepiest biblical language and declares forgiveness to be out the window. A cracked nut using the sledgehammer of his lordly wrath to crack a nut.

SPOILER ALERT: I was disappointed by The Usual Suspects because there's a great big hole in the plot. If Keyser Soze schemed so meticulously his genius plan to kill the one person who could identify him, then how about the entire police station that had seen him, spoken to him and fed him coffee? If he could disappear for them, then how about doing his vanishing trick for crims lacking the resources of America's finest?

Meanwhile, former CBB star, left shock-jock and Respect MP George Galloway continues to split himself between Jekyll and Hyde. This winter his Dr Jekyll did the most amazing and brave thing by leading the Viva Palestina aid convoy all the way to the blockaded people of Gaza through the enemy territory that Egypt has become. Following attacks and arrests, Galloway cried "Let my people go", was slung out of Egypt and found himself declared persona non grata — an honour under the circumstances. Go GG!

If you are watching Celebrity Big Brother, check the #cbb and #cbb7 Tweets during broadcast and share the schadenfreude as wackiness ensues.


Anonymous said...

Still not watching, apart from the odd brief glimpse, but with write-ups like this I hardly need to. This Baldwin guy sounds like one strange character. Maybe he should get his own show.

And that's who Lady Sovereign is, then. Thought for a minute Sporty Spice had shrunk in the wash.

"Banana hammock", but? Evidently I don't know the first thing about undies.

Madam Miaow said...

When they start to find the housemates slain by wrathful but entertaining means, I shall nominate Stevie B for conviction.

Yes, Sov does bear a strong resemblance to Sporty. Perhaps because she is the love child of Mel C and Kevin The Teenager.

VenerableSage said...

"A man can convince anyone he's somebody else, but never himself. " -- Verbal Kint