Saturday 9 January 2010

St Stephen Baldwin and "sleep cougaring": Celebrity Big Brother 2010

Alex Reid ... Nah!

Sisqo ... Nah!

Basshunter ... Meh!

Stephen, wahey, now you're talking

And so "sleep cougaring" enters the language courtesy of potato-head Baldwin on tonight's Celebrity Big Brother (Channel 4). According to St Stephen, least talented member of the screen dynasty turned clean-living Christian right-wing radio talk-show host, it's when a woman fancies a younger man in the night and goes stalking. So he's taking a bunk up the far end of the room coz for some reason he's convinced that Ivana Trump will be jumping his pudgy bones rather than those of any of the available hunks such as Jonas "Basshunter" Altberg, Sisqo of the much admired bum, or Alex "Daniel Craig/Lee Evans" Reid.

Personally, I suspect she'd rather spend time with her Louis Vuittons.

Stevie probably hasn't heard, but bible-thumping Christian proselytisers have a tendency to come unstuck around these heah parts.

For anyone with a life who hasn't succumbed to the lure of this final series of CBB, Stevie (who had "IRA" tattooed for his badboy role in The Usual Suspects because make-up wasn't authentic enough even though he didn't know what the IRA is) entertains his housemates with readings from the bible, enlightening his captive audience with his own exalted values. That's when he's not teaching cage-fighter Alex Reid how to box and veteran thesp Stephanie Beacham how to deliver her lines. (Can't wait to see him teach Sisqo how to sing and Lady Sov how to rap.)

One example he gave: if a madman burst in with a gun and held it to his little girl's head and told her she had to say Jesus didn't exist or die, Daddy would say, "See you in heaven, honey".

Suffice it to say that we all want this nutjob to stay. For a mind-boggling high score on WTF-o-meter, none of his housemates can compete.

Ivana Humpalot ... but not with Trigger

Check out Cougar at

Perhaps Stephen was thinking of Iris Robinson. Although she might not totally fit the bill as cougars are supposed to "have their shit together," which Iris evidently does not.

More quotes from Hannibal Baldwin


Pen said...

Oh dear god, that was Stephen Baldwin? The one-and-only snippet of CBB I've (inadvertently) seen was some podgy pale man banging on about some religious nonsense and all the housemates oo-ing and ah-ing sycophantically.


Madam Miaow said...

Yup. That's our boy, Pen. You are missing some great (inadvertent) comedy here. That oo-ing and ah-ing is wearing off fast.

Heidi is very funny as she obviously finds him repellent and is having problems hiding it. I lke her. They will either up best weird buddies or she will ram his bible where tis darkest.

Penelope Else said...

I'm scared I'll get sucked in!

Nope - I'll just read your analyses, which are probably far more interesting...