Sunday 10 January 2010

Iris Robinson cougar queen: What would Jesus say?

Jesus would tell you this, hun. Nil desperandum, Iris Robinson: deposed, reviled, shamed former First Lady of the Irish Assembly. Your career in politics may be over but, you know what? You are a star. What is politics anyways? Showbiz for ugly people and you have the looks if not the nouse and the principles. That's for the birds. You are a COUGAR, baybeh, and no mistake.

Banter at Splinty's has yielded a fab plan. Don't slit your wrists when you could head for Tinseltown and leave the stiffs in your wake. Harry, Splinty and I will be your agents, advisors, whatever, and knock you into shape.

Get yourself a PR (anyone got Max's mobile?), a placcy surgery job, which I'm sure your, ahem, business acquaintances can front for you like they always do. Puff out those thin mean lips with collagen and get some warmth into those pitiless blanks and you're away. Maybe there's a community fund somewhere that might loan you the air-fare outta town to save them the trouble of sharpening the pitchforks and firing up the torches or whatever it is they do over there. But try to steer clear of the ducking stool in these chilly climes even if it does tighten the wattles and closes the pores a treat.

You won't be the first politicians to make this trek. And you won't be the last. Not with Tommy Sheridan waiting in the wings.

Hollywood is yours for the taking. La-La-Land doesn't do shame. They love sinners who repent and they eat hypocrisy off a stick. But you may have to shut up about gays. Have your pic taken with RuPaul. Open up a gay bar or sumthin'. Ask that nice Kirk to help out — he knows about catering and I hear he's going down a storm.

Right-wing Christian shock-jocks will welcome you to their bosom and I'm sure that'll be reciprocal. Have a chat to St Stephen Baldwin when he's evicted from the Celebrity Big Brother House. Soon. A sixty-year WOMAN old schtupping a 19-year-old MAN? A 19-year-old whose nappies you might have changed? Did you take tips from Hefner? (Maybe he shoulda told you the one about not chucking stones in glass abodes, or was it casting the first stone when you are stoned yourself which I will never do as I am all green-eyed and looking forward to trying this out myself.) Way to go, Iris. Kudos. You are the Queen of Cougars. You got it made.


Eddie Truman said...

I can't believe how much I fancy Iris Robinson.
And fifty grand would come in well handy.

Madam Miaow said...

Er, £45K, Eddie. Don't forget to tip the lady. You know how to tip, don't you? You just put your lips together and blow ...

Eddie Truman said...

Whatever the contractual details, a 19 year old young man gets nakid with a 59 year old religious zealot who has previously been abusive to other people who get nakid.
What goes around comes around people.

Anonymous said...

The DUP has never been a very visually pleasing party, and Iris was the resident glamourpuss. Her taking on the Stifler's Mom role has a certain dramatic appeal.

In the San Fernando Valley, by the way, they're now casting 28-year-olds in MILF roles. Such is the youth-oriented culture today. I miss Kay Parker.

thetvreviewguy said...

A case of Iris tutoring her Pupil?